Joon in July

The month of July was rather miserable for Bob’s health, but quite propitious for his social life.

Every week Bob was plagued by some unpleasant illness, which precluded him from coming to work. As time went on, the illnesses got more pronounced, more contagious, and more exotic. At first, it was food poisoning. The following week, food poisoning turned into salmonella poisoning, which later became either a severe case of cyclospora or a mild case of trichinosis.

However, when Bob did show up, he seemed to be in unusually good spirits, which we attributed to Joon, his “Asian girlfriend.” That is how Bob referred to her, and we followed suit. Apparently, Bob met Joon during a speed dating event. She was a bartender at the lounge where the event was held, and offered Bob vodka and some much needed comfort after he suffered 30 rejections in the course of one hour.

We never met Joon, but Bob often regaled us with sexually explicit and painfully disgusting stories about his relationship with her. In fact, he took every available opportunity (and even some unavailable ones) to point out that Joon is a female with a nice behind, and that he, Executive Director Bob, taps that behind often.

A typical exchange -

“I am not supposed to smoke.”
“It’s very bad for you.”
“But I always smoke after sex, so now I smoke several times a day.”
“Uhm.”
“Because I have sex with my Asian girlfriend Joon several times a day.”
“Right.”

And so on, in that manner.

Soon we learned that Joon was a waitress in Brooklyn, that she liked clam chowder, and that she had Fridays and Mondays off. And so it didn’t really strain our credulity too much when Bob’s bouts of poor health began to manifest on Thursday afternoons.

It would happen like this. On Thursday, Bob would show up for work with two overstuffed overnight bags. He would spend most of the morning on the phone. Even with his door closed, we could overhear bits of conversation about nightly rates at various bed and breakfast establishments. By noon, Bob would start to reschedule his Friday and Monday meetings. By around 2:30pm he would start coughing, wheezing, sneezing, massaging his temples, and feigning stomach cramps. At 4:30, he would announce that he was leaving early because he didn’t want to infect anyone.

On Friday morning we would get the following email:

From: Bob Bossman
To: sitg-staff@bpu.edu

Hello Everyone,
As you recall, I was getting very sick yesterday. I called my doctor and he said that it’s probably food poisoning and that I should take it easy. So I am going to stay home today and try to get better. I won’t be checking email or answering the phone.

Sincerely,
Bob Bossman, Executive Director

On Monday morning we would get a brief follow-up:

From: Bob Bossman
To: sitg-staff@bpu.edu

Still sick.

- Bob
————————–
Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld

On Tuesday, Bob would show up for work, looking well and well-rested, wearing a souvenir “University of Vermont” or “I love Maine” t-shirt. He would always have some regional treat for us – maple candy, chocolate lobsters, a large print of a Cape Cod lighthouse for the office wall. Bob spent much of Tuesday at his computer, cropping and uploading pictures of him and Joon in front of various New England landmarks. On Wednesday, he would call us all into his office and subject us to the slideshow with live commentary. Whenever somebody asked about the date of the trip, Bob quickly changed the subject. On Thursday, the cycle began anew.

Many coffee breaks were spent in heated debate about exactly what was wrong with Joon. Most agreed that she had to be deaf and blind, but still, that was not enough to justify a month-long relationship with Bob. As it turned out, Joon’s student visa was about to expire, and Bob told her that he would hire her as a web designer. However, Joon, who was neither deaf nor blind, decided that she would rather take her chances back home in Malaysia than spend any more time around Bob. Lucky her.

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