Skipping work is by no means a crime. In my opinion, it’s not even morally questionable, that is, if done properly, sparingly, and in a considerate manner. Bob’s absenteeism, however, is neither clever nor tactful. His excuses are usually a direct insult to our intelligence.
Monday morning:
From: Bob Bossman
To: sitg-staff@bpu.edu
Hello Everyone,
I am feeling ill this morning. It might be either laryngitis or a stomach flu. I will be at home taking it easy today.
Sincerely,
Bob Bossman, Executive Director
I am not one to begrudge anyone an illness. I am even willing to dismiss the fact that Bob’s Monday morning malady coincided with an all-day Firefly marathon on the SciFi Channel as a random occurrence, (which is not easy to do, considering that Bob dedicated 30 minutes of previous week’s staff meeting to an extensive review of all Firefly major and minor characters). However, the most offensive and irksome aspect of Bob’s excuse is the qualification of his condition as “either laryngitis or a stomach flu.” Those two diseases have absolutely no symptoms in common. Laryngitis is categorized by a cough, sore throat, and loss of voice. It is completely incredulous how these symptoms could be confused with those of a stomach flu (nausea, fever, stomach ache). So, while a simple “not feeling well” would have sufficed, Bob chose to administer a figurative slap in the face with a blatantly false excuse.
The next day, Tuesday morning:
From: Bob Bossman
To: sitg-staff@bpu.edu
Hello Everyone,
I will be taking today off to fix my car. Something happened to it yesterday while I was driving (don’t worry, everyone is Ok). I guess I should know that this piece of junk can’t handle a 50 mile road trip anymore. So now I need to take it to the mechanic. I’ll be out all day.
Sincerely,
Bob Bossman, Executive Director
Even on it’s own, this excuse is only marginally acceptable. We all know that Bob doesn’t have a car. On several occasions he waxed poetic about how not having to own a car is a major advantage of living in the city. But compounded with the previous day’s laryngitis-stomach flu excuse, Bob’s imaginary broken car delivers a powerful one-two punch of awkwardness and disrespect. Did he forget that yesterday he was too sick to come in to work? It logically follows that he must have been too sick to drive around. (And drive around so much so as to break the car!) Yet, here we are.
Our staff has been split. Some claim that Bob is too stupid to realize how ridiculous his excuses are. Others think that he is purposefully devious, and reveals the false nature of his absenteeism in such an obvious way for sick kicks. Logic favors the former, and evidence the latter. I am still undecided.
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What a great blog, you write eloquently and humorously. It’s like a more literary version of thedailywtf. Please, please keep it up.
:)
This is FANTASTIC! I hope you don’t get caught so you can keep blogging and blogging! And I can keep reading and reading…
Someone should tell that doucheball that firefly is on DVD.
Just an observation….but I would think that regardless of his excuses, that his frequent absences would be a cause for celebration….
“WooHoo! Guys, Bob won’t be in again today!”
“Oh yeah? What’s his excuse this time?”
“He claims to have sprained his back on his date with a hot blond last night.”
~everyone snickers~
“Well, thank god he won’t be in. Maybe I can actually get some work done today….”