Jim’s Quips:
If we don’t take care of the customer, maybe they’ll stop bugging us.
The journey of a thousand miles sometimes ends very, very badly.
Never be afraid to share your dreams with the world, because there’s nothing the world loves more than the taste of really sweet dreams.
I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographer’s fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that’s extra scary to me. There’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside. Look out, he’s fuzzy, let’s get out of here. — Mitch Hedberg
When the winds of change blow hard enough, the most trivial of things can become deadly projectiles.
They say Flintstone’s vitamins are chewable. All vitamins are chewable, it’s just that they taste shitty. I’m glad they made Flintstone’s vitamins because I used to watch The Flintstones and go, “Man I bet you if I ate that dude, I would be healthy.” — Mitch Hedberg
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. — Homer Simpson
When birds fly in the right formation, they need only exert half the effort. Even in nature, teamwork results in collective laziness.
I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time. — Mitch Hedberg
Sometimes the best solution to morale problems is just to fire all of the unhappy people.
Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals … except the weasel. — Homer Simpson
Bob’s Quips:
We call ourselves a “capacity building” organization; self-motivated and self-initiated capacity building. For example, in 30 years, I don’t think I have signed a check for the company.
I think the most important CEO task is defining the course that the business will take over the next five or so years. You have to have the ability to see what the business environment might be like a long way out, not just over the coming months. You need to be able to both set a broad direction, and also to take particular decisions along the way that make that broad direction unfold correctly.
In knowledge-intensive business settings, where every manager has to oversee massive amounts of information as well as people, facilitating the use of psychic energy becomes a primary concern.
The most efficient way to produce anything is to bring together under one management as many as possible of the activities needed to turn out the product.
I’m going to miss Blockbuster. I’m gonna miss being CEO and all that stuff. We had an atmosphere where everybody was happy. When people make money, they’re happy. — Wayne Huizenga
We’re not about liquidating companies, but if you do that, why is that terrible? We’re not blowing up the factories. The person who buys it should be able to make the asset more productive. — Carl Icahn
Is it just me or are Bob’s quips just management double speak?
I think the quotes from “Bob” hurt my brain. Maybe it’s because I’m only a low-level peon, but I have no idea what any of that means…… my brain hurts.
i dont know about anyone else, but im pretty confident that jim’s quips are better. and less insane.
So very glad you are back…even though I could only read half the post…. I agree with Shaun, “Bob’s” quotes made my brain hurt too…
Someone should let Jim know his “quips” (the ones not attributed to Mitch Hedberg or Homer Simpson) are all lifted verbatim from Demotivators posters:
“If we don’t take care of the customer, maybe they’ll stop bugging us.” is from their “Apathy” poster.
“The journey of a thousand miles sometimes ends very, very badly.” is from their “Ambition” poster.
“Never be afraid to share your dreams with the world, because there’s nothing the world loves more than the taste of really sweet dreams.” is from their “Bitterness” poster.
“When the winds of change blow hard enough, the most trivial of things can become deadly projectiles.” is from their “Change” poster.
“When birds fly in the right formation, they need only exert half the effort. Even in nature, teamwork results in collective laziness.” is from their “Dare to Slack” poster.
“Sometimes the best solution to morale problems is just to fire all of the unhappy people.” is from their “Demotivation” poster.
I tried posting this comment with links to all of the posters themselves, but I think it was blocked by your spam filter. Just google “Demotivators” and you’ll find it.
Funny!
The fact that Jim’s contain so much Mitch Hedberg are surely a mark of his good character.
Also, good to see you back!
Bob’s quips seem to all extole the importance of upper management / ceo’s / bosses, etc – trying to glorify his role and himself without actually saying it to your face.
Jim’s seem to be about making people chuckle as they read them – no ulterior motives.
Though he is missing a glaring “to alcohol : the cause of, and solution to, all the worlds problems”.
I can tell how he got hired all of those times. I don’t think *anybody* actually understands what he says, and they take it under good faith that HE understands them since he says them.
I <3 Mitch Hedberg. RIP d00d
Bob’s quips sound a little “fabricated.” Maybe by him!
I am glad I don’t work with bob, what a boring F*%t he is!
good to see you back. Mitch was awesome. Homer is my god.
You should write more of this! It’s good stuff.
Uh oh….another 3 week hiatus. Will Where is Bob ever return to prime time? :(
If Bob’s quips were any lamer, they’d need their own special parking space.
more stories! i KNOW bob’s been doing some crazy stuff.